Reason number one — pride

Pride and being closed off is the main reason relationships fall apart. Why wearing the crown of an 'expert' at home only gets in the way.

The biggest cause of conflict in a family is pride and being closed off.

When one partner — or both — enters that state, the relationship will most likely fall apart.

In a family, being closed off is incredibly expensive. When the person we love is trying to tell us something that troubles them, and we dismiss it, don’t listen, ignore it — the price for that way of behaving can be a break-up.

Because when someone in a relationship goes long enough without getting what they need, they leave…

Almost every day in my consultations I teach people to hear and understand each other, so that later (without me) they can find common ground and work things out.

The moment a woman starts to understand male logic and how her man actually thinks, that is the turning point, and they don’t need me any more. It works exactly the same way on the man’s side. Once he understands which of his actions and words hurt her, and why, he can fix it on his own from there.

And how does pride work?

It blinds a person to their own patterns of behaviour and whispers that the whole problem is, of course, in the other person. If only my partner would hear me, understand, change, stop doing this, start doing that, then everything would be fine… But they don’t want to change…

Dead end.

I run into pride and closedness so often when I counsel couples that if I could remove just one destructive quality from people, that is the one I would remove.

The moment a person (it doesn’t matter whether it is a woman or a man) starts to truly hear and understand their partner, they gain the ability to do the things that make that partner happy and fill them up.

Over time the other person — no matter how tired, burnt out, worn down and angry they are — starts to “thaw” and looks for ways to do something good in return. That is our human nature. We answer kindness with kindness.

But to start acting that wisely, you have to say goodbye to fairness, to pride, to expectations, roll up your sleeves and start doing everything you can from your side. You have to start taking your husband’s or wife’s words seriously, even if you have heard them a thousand times already and consider them “wrong”.

By the way, I work from the assumption that my own level of awareness is low. I don’t consider myself a super good husband to my wife. I know dozens of my weak spots and I try to work on them.

I don’t consider myself a guru on relationships. I am a student in this subject, and I am willing to listen to different points of view and to learn. My Nastya does the same.

When we sit down to talk, we really do hear each other, because both of us (as it seems to me) are open to it. As a result, we feel good together.

You can learn to talk to each other and build a harmonious relationship. It isn’t hard. You need to make one decision and to take the role of a student. The crown of an “expert” in family life will only get in a person’s way.

That is exactly what the “Healthy Relationships” programme at my school is about: we learn in practice to understand the psychology of our partner and go through 30 practical assignments to build a good emotional connection and let go of all the negativity that has piled up in the relationship.

Do you agree that pride and being closed off is reason number one why relationships fall apart?