"In essentials unity, in non-essentials liberty, in all things love." How that principle works in our family, even though my wife and I are very different.
“In essential things, unity; in non-essential things, liberty; but in all things, love.”
The words are usually credited to Saint Augustine, though historians say they came from a different Catholic theologian.
How does this principle work for us?
When Nastya and I met, we gradually realised that we saw the key aspects of our life the same way: growing together, ambition, our vision of family, finances, serving people, caring for each other, fundamental values and faith.
That is the foundation of our family. Here we are united.
Then come the non-essentials: hobbies, tastes, leisure, the environment we live in, the kind of work we do, and so on.
For example:
I’m all for practicality. I’ll keep four chargers plugged in around the flat so I don’t have to walk into another room to charge my phone. Nastya is a total aesthete and makes every space around her beautiful and stylish. So she hides every cable out of sight.
I work a lot and don’t think about rest at all — Nastya is the one who plans holidays and time off first. She saves up for presents six months ahead and can ask me in September, “How are we going to celebrate New Year?”
I never liked travelling and never went anywhere — Nastya has been to 12 countries, and nothing gives her more pleasure than a trip abroad.
Nastya loves going to the cinema for animated films. I can barely sit through a romantic drama, let alone Disney. Luckily she has friends for the theatre and cartoons.
I could keep this list going, but I think it’s already clear that we are very different on a lot of things.
Is that a problem?
Honestly, no. Because in the essentials there is unity. We agree on the core values of our life — spiritual and mental growth. We see our shared future the same way. We are both ready to change and to learn.
Once you’ve agreed on the highest-priority aspects of your life, you can give each other complete freedom in the non-essentials, and it will do your relationship no harm at all.
It’s just as important to cover each other’s mistakes with love and to forgive the person you love. None of us acts perfectly. We are all living life for the first time. Hardships and problems don’t announce themselves in advance.
That’s why it matters so much to develop patience, attentiveness and kindness in yourself. When your family has those qualities, you’ll be able to plan life together and to trust each other.
As long as both of you carry a vision of a shared future in your head, the family will hold.
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