What Femininity Is

Friend, helper and lover — the three roles where femininity matters most. Plus the dozens of small things my wife Nastya does every single day.

What is femininity?

My post on this subject set off a wave of questions from women along the lines of: “Dima, how do I know whether I’m behaving in a feminine way? How do men read feminine behaviour?”

I have to make an important disclaimer straight away. Every person is a subject and can only offer a subjective view on any question. In this case I can speak only for myself, and partly for the men I know personally — men whose families I know to be happy and whose wives I have watched in action.

So from my subjective point of view, “femininity is behaviour that comes to a woman naturally and easily.” Personally, I see three key roles in a relationship with a man where femininity matters most: friend, helper and lover.

1. If a man feels his woman is a friend who is always on his side and always acts with respect, that relationship is valuable to him. He will want to spend time together, and he will trust her.

2. If a woman helps her man, a sense of togetherness and unity gradually forms in him. He starts seeing his family as a team. It matters enormously that a man feels supported and can count on his wife.

3. Sex is one of the most important factors for a man in a relationship. If the woman beside him grows as a lover, the man becomes tender, affectionate, caring and attentive.

Some women may think this approach only works on a self-aware man, and that they, unfortunately, ended up with a different kind. I don’t think that’s true. We always choose someone like ourselves.

My wife Nastya started behaving in a feminine way from the first months of our married life.

She always meets me at the door and sees me off at the door, always kisses and hugs me, wishes me a good day, takes an interest in me and asks questions I actually enjoy answering. She often brings home the treats I love.

I have never heard her speak badly about me to anyone. Even during conflicts and difficult conversations, she doesn’t try to wound me emotionally — she genuinely wants to understand me and to make her own point calmly.

She often asks me: “What can I help you with?” She tries to take off my plate the tasks and obligations I find unpleasant.

She often tells me how proud she is of me, and thanks me even for very small things and small favours.

There are hundreds of other things Nastya does in our relationship, but I can’t describe them all here.

And the result of that wise, feminine behaviour? I want to change for the better for her sake. I want to become more romantic and more attentive. I want to provide for the family better.

She behaves in a feminine way with me — and I want to behave like a man in return.

I wasn’t like this before our wedding. In the early days of our life together I made a lot of mistakes. I’m still far from a perfect husband, but the way she behaves means I see the things that need changing, and I want to change them for her.

So if in your relationship you have already tried shouting, uproar, accusations, resentment, expectations, criticism and humiliation — try behaving in a feminine way instead. The result may astonish you.

Since it was women asking me about femininity, today I described the female side of the question. I haven’t written about men here; that’s a subject for a separate post. I’ve been talking about the four male roles — protector, friend, provider, lover — for a very long time.

Do you agree with the idea that if your current way of building a relationship isn’t working, it’s worth trying a different one?