Even when your partner is in the wrong, in public you stand on their side. Save the corrections for a private conversation.
The person you love should be defended always and everywhere.
That is a deep personal conviction of mine.
I often see people in my consultations who have spent years in a marriage without ever feeling protected or supported by their partner.
It might be the mother-in-law starting to insult the wife while the husband stays silent, not wanting a fight with his mother.
Or the wife screaming at her husband in front of their teenage children, dragging him through the mud with “you’re not even a man.”
The circumstances vary endlessly, but I am convinced of this: every time we defend the good name of the person we love, we are acting wisely and with foresight.
Even when we are certain our partner is 100% wrong in a given situation, in public we should still back them and take their side. Act together, back to back.
This is your husband, your wife. The closest, dearest person on the planet. Sometimes it means an unpleasant conflict with parents, friends, colleagues, relatives, children. But your partner must always feel that you have their back — as the old line goes, when the whole world is against them, you’re the one handing them the ammunition.
Later, in private, with no one else watching, you can honestly and gently say what you think about the situation and point out the details or mistakes. But in public, in front of other people, in any circumstances, you defend the person you love. Until your voice goes hoarse.
When we know that our husband or wife will go for the throat — metaphorically — of anyone who starts piling on us, that is a person we value, respect and hold dear.
When a husband calmly watches his mother criticise his wife, in that moment he forfeits all authority and his standing as the protector of his family. After that, all he will see in the eyes of his household is contempt.
When a wife trashes her husband in front of the children or relatives, she is digging her own pit. If you need to sort things out with your husband, do it one on one and only in a green state — when your mood is fine, you aren’t exhausted, and you’re in control of everything you say and do.
I believe a woman shouldn’t even complain about her husband to her friends or her parents. That’s what psychologists, priests, counsellors, spiritual mentors and a journal are for.
When the person you love feels supported and understands that they are the most important person to you, no competition — that relationship has a chance and a future.
In my “Healthy Relationships” course at our New Lifestyle school I go into much more detail on three other important roles you have to play in a family besides the role of protector.
Do you agree that when the person you love doesn’t defend you, it’s a hollowing-out and deeply disappointing experience?