An apology doesn't make you weak — it shows you can put the person you love above your own need to be right.
When I counsel married couples, I very often see that both people genuinely want to forgive the hurt and start rebuilding the relationship. But neither takes the first step, because each of them is locked onto their own feelings of grievance and disappointment.
Very often it is pride that blocks the reconciliation and won’t let a person sincerely say to their wife or husband, “please forgive me.”
In my view, being closed off, proud and hard-hearted are the character traits that cost a person the most.
An awful lot of people, instead of being happy, somehow choose to be proud. Which, as far as I’m concerned, is simply foolish.
Because when you ask for forgiveness, it shows you are a thinking person. You had the chance to reflect on the situation and you concluded that you carry a share of the responsibility for what happened.
Apologizing doesn’t make you weak — it shows you can put the interests of the person you love above your own and are willing to take the first step towards them, even if your husband or wife treated you badly.
It shows that you aren’t an egoist, aren’t self-absorbed, and don’t need to defend your rightness at any cost. It points to sensible flexibility and wisdom in a relationship.
Nastya and I put together a set of family rules before we even got married. A sort of family charter. It has 12 points, and one of them reads:
“999 situations out of 1000 are not matters of principle”
We’re in our sixth year of marriage, and in all that time there hasn’t been a single genuinely principled situation where we locked horns like a pair of rams and refused to talk. That’s probably why the conflicts and hard conversations in our relationship can be counted on the fingers of two hands.
Being able to admit your mistakes and apologize is a hugely important quality for building a happy family. It belongs to strong, thinking, non-egotistical people. When you sincerely ask for forgiveness you are not humiliating yourself or devaluing yourself in your partner’s eyes.
Quite the opposite. You are showing that you’re a conscious person who examines their own behaviour and is ready to change it when peace and harmony in the family require it.
Pride and defending your rightness have never made a single person happy in a relationship. A happy husband or wife has.
In my “Healthy Relationships” course at our New Lifestyle school I unpack this topic in far more detail and give many more principles for building a happy family.
Do you agree that only strong, intelligent people can ask for forgiveness and take the first steps towards each other, even when the person they love is still closed off, cold and hurt?