A man 14 years into his marriage said he loves his wife more than at the start. Why feelings really can grow over the years, and what it takes.
An idea about relationships that is very hard to believe.
Once I interviewed a man who said that in the 14th year of married life he loved his wife far more than at the beginning of their relationship.
That conversation happened on the second day after my own wedding, and I was curious to test whether such a thing was possible in practice in my own family.
I thought about it for a long time and watched my feelings toward my wife, and over time I came to this conclusion — “If you do the right things in a marriage, feelings really do become deeper and stronger over the years.”
My logic is very simple. When we first start living together after the wedding, we don’t really know the other person yet. We have few ideas about how to please and pleasantly surprise our husband or wife. We are only just beginning to get to know each other.
With every month and year of married life we see the person we love better and better. And accordingly, we get more and more opportunities to make them happy.
We understand their tastes and preferences better. We already know where the sore spots are. We understand what they react to with delight and why, and what, on the contrary, hurts and disappoints them.
When Nastya and I first got married, the only romantic ideas in my head were flowers and sweets. Now I already have a list of dozens of different things she loves. It includes which gel balloon she’ll like more, which cosmetics brand to order, which flowers are okay and which aren’t, what food Nastya likes, which restaurants might interest her — in short, a lot of things.
In the same way, over the years you get to know the person and their inner world better. You understand the quirks of their character and habits. You understand their worldview and way of thinking better. The beliefs that make up your wife’s or husband’s picture of the world become clearer to you.
And now the hardest task over time is not simply to get used to each other and settle in, but to actually develop the relationship. To consciously direct your attention toward making the person you love happy.
Because when our wife or husband beside us becomes joyful and content, they want to return those happy emotions to us.
The simple but important insight for men is that if a man makes his wife happy, she (paradoxically enough) wants to make him happy in return. If we receive love and care, we want to give love and care back.
So if you make that decision and start being attentive to the person you love, then every year your relationship can reach a new level of depth, trust, openness, respect and love.
After all, we aren’t surprised by the thought that if we make the right financial decisions, our personal capital grows every year, are we?
We calmly accept the idea that if a person acts wisely in business, their client base grows, the average order value goes up and new people join the team.
Even when we make the right decisions about our health (despite the fact that the body tends to weaken with age), we can accumulate inner resources and feel more and more energy and strength.
Why then is it so hard for us to believe that if we act wisely in a relationship, it will bring us more and more happiness and love every year? It’s only logical. What we sow into a relationship is what we reap.
Right now I can say clearly and confidently that I love my wife far more than in the first years of our married life.
Do you believe relationships can keep getting better and better over the years?
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