Hundreds of comments on a post about surnames revealed the real issue: people cling to being right even when married life has turned into constant torture.
Why are so many people unhappy in their relationships? Or: why does a closed mind carry such a high price?
My post about a woman changing her last name after the wedding led to a very heated discussion on Facebook and Instagram. Hundreds of comments and, as usual, two camps — for and against. If you haven’t read it, it’s better to skim it now so you have the context.
Many women wrote that taking your husband’s name is a relic of the past, male insecurity and complexes, injustice, bias, patriarchy and a whole pile of other labels.
For this category of women I have a very simple thought — “If you are 100% happy in your marriage, your husband adores you, takes care of you, wants to spend time with you, and every year your feelings only get deeper and stronger, then thank God! You are doing everything right and it doesn’t matter what some random guy (like me) wrote on his blog.”
You are a wise woman and you build your relationship well. Your happy marriage is the brightest proof of that.
But if your relationship isn’t quite what you’d like it to be, if there are constant fights and tension in it, then there’s a chance you are making some mistakes and not acting optimally.
This applies to men and women alike. A family is a two-way street with shared responsibility for the outcome.
When I write that taking your husband’s name after the wedding is a good idea, nobody is forcing you to do it. You can decline. And if your family is happy, then this factor isn’t significant in your family.
But if it matters to your husband that you carry his name, and you dig in on principle, then it’s only logical that tension will build up.
And it will be like that in everything! It isn’t only about the name. That’s just 1 of many factors. For some reason people hold on so tightly to their pride and their convictions, ignoring the fact that their family life resembles constant torture.
I have talked with hundreds of men, trying to get across the idea that the belief “I’m not the romantic type” will cost them dearly, and that if a man doesn’t find time for his wife, he will kill his marriage with that. When women hear this example, they nod respectfully and say: “Yes, that’s true! Men often don’t value their family until they lose it!”
But many men stay closed off, proud, foolish and inattentive until they get divorce papers from their wife.
And many women act exactly the same way!
Instead of asking themselves — “Do I actually know how to build a happy family?! Do I deeply understand my man’s psychology and act wisely?!” — some women stay just as closed and proud toward a different point of view, even if it costs them a happy relationship.
There are certain principles of building a family that have allowed people to be happy in marriage for 6 thousand years. And I didn’t invent these principles — God did. They are described in the Bible.
The idea of leaving your parents in order to cleave to each other and become one — that’s a principle from the Bible. One last name and everything shared goes in the same jar.
The idea that the husband is the head of the family and that a wife will be truly happy when a strong man takes on the role of number one, handles the stressful tasks, provides for the family, cares and protects — that’s an idea from the Bible.
And by the way, I still haven’t met a woman who would tell me she’s glad she carries everything on her own shoulders, and that she’s thrilled to have a weak, passive man beside her and loves being the leader in the family.
The idea that a man needs unconditional respect and a woman needs unconditional love and attention from her man — that’s an idea from the Bible.
The idea that you shouldn’t have secrets from each other, lies, separate budgets, second phones and a browser history cleared after 18+ sites — that’s an idea from the Bible.
The idea that a wife is the most important person in a man’s life and that he ought to treat her as carefully and attentively as a vessel made of fragile glass — that’s an idea from the Bible.
And so, before attacking principles and ideas that have proven themselves over millennia, it’s worth stopping to think — “Am I not waging a war against myself and my own happy marriage right now?! What if I don’t yet understand everything about relationships between men and women, and I should be more open to new information?! What if my unhappy marriage is the result of my mistakes too, and not only my husband’s or wife’s?”
Pride and being closed off cost a great deal. Our life is a reflection of our beliefs, our decisions and our actions. If we don’t like something in our life, maybe we should try letting some new information into our head and try acting differently?
Doing the same thing but hoping for a different result is a little naive…
From my personal observations, when a couple is open to new things and willing to learn, they build a good relationship relatively fast and are happy. But the more closed off a person is, the more troubled and tragic their life becomes.
And what matters more to you? Happiness or being right?
Articles do not fix relationships
Texts give you understanding, but your situation is always more specific than any text. Fifty minutes is usually enough to see where the problem actually starts.
Talk through your situation
