Complete independence is a myth — we all lean on something. The only real question is how wisely we choose what that something is.
“A man is free to choose his dependence” (Hesse).
I find that line remarkably accurate.
At a time when so many people sincerely chase total independence and autonomy, I’ll be honest with myself — and with you: I depend heavily on three things.
- God
- My beloved wife
- My calling
I understand that as a human being I have a very high degree of autonomy and free will. I can change a lot in my life, and I am the author of it.
But on the other hand, if I try to live purely by my own whim and don’t build deep support on my relationship with God, on my relationship with the woman I love, and on my work, then my life turns unhappy and very grey.
That’s exactly how I lived until I was 24. From the outside, plenty of people thought I was doing fine: I had money, youth, health, a business, a certain amount of female attention. And yet there were no real points of support in my life, and there was no happiness.
Of course, plenty of psychologists, coaches and experts of all kinds try to convince us today that the more autonomous we are, and the less we depend on anyone or anything, the better.
I disagree. A reasonable degree of self-reliance is a good thing, but when a person builds every point of support exclusively on their own selfish desires, they’re unlikely to end up happy. I have yet to meet anyone who did.
I know for certain that if I ruin my relationship with God, my life falls apart.
If I mess things up with my wife, then no money, no achievements at work, no new level in my business will bring me any joy.
On the days when Nastya and I had misunderstandings or difficulties, nothing else made me happy. A broken emotional connection with the person you love paralyses every other area of life too.
As Hesse put it: “We are free to choose our dependencies.”
We will depend on something or someone regardless. So it seems to me we should choose our point of support wisely — because depending on yourself alone almost certainly won’t work. We don’t live in a vacuum.
And what are the main points of support in your life? What, or who, do you depend on?