Five reasons couples grow cold toward each other, and why marriage is an empty box: you only get out of it what you put into it yourself.
I remember interviewing a man once, and he said that after 14 years of living with his wife he loved her far more than at the beginning of their relationship.
That thought stayed with me. How can it be that feelings grow stronger over the years instead of weaker? Is it even possible? And why do so many people who love each other at the start of a relationship treat each other so coldly later on?
Today, five years into my own marriage, I can say that I love Nastya more than when we first met in 2018. A relationship is work, and both of us do it. Nothing happens by itself. We are both learning to hear each other and to take care of each other.
Since I consult couples almost every day, I see the mistakes people make in relationships — and some of those mistakes I have made myself.
Based on my own modest family experience and on consulting hundreds of couples, I can name a few main reasons why people cool off and burn out in a relationship:
- People don’t work on themselves. They stop growing spiritually, emotionally and intellectually. They don’t read, don’t study, don’t think and don’t ask themselves hard questions. For example: “If I’m so smart and I’m sure I’m right, then why isn’t my wife (my husband) happy next to me?”
Most often what really stops people from growing is pride, which speaks with an inner voice: “I already know all this.”
- Many people have no time set aside to talk to each other. Everything else is scheduled — work, vacation, football with friends, shopping with a girlfriend — but there is no regular 20–30 minutes for an honest conversation with the person you love.
Nastya and I try to talk every day, so that we stay inside the context of each other’s lives.
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People aren’t genuinely interested in the person they love. Back when they were dating, they asked each other all sorts of questions. But today, many are far more interested in what an acquaintance posted in their stories than in an honest answer to “how was your day?”
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People never agreed on the key terms of their marriage. Say the word “rest” and the man pictures a couch, food and YouTube on the big screen, while the woman pictures anything at all as long as it isn’t sitting at home within four walls. And it’s the same with many other terms. For some, a “shared budget” means all the money together; for others it means your money is yours, mine is mine, but we chip in together for big purchases.
From what I’ve observed, 90% of family conflicts come from a lack of clarity about key terms. As soon as those terms are spelled out and accepted by both people, there is simply nothing left to fight about.
- Selfishness. Most arguments start with the phrases “I want…”, “I need…”, “You have to!”
Our marriage is an empty box that we fill together with the person we love. If I have NOT put love, respect, patience, attention, forgiveness and kindness into that box, why do I expect to find those things in my relationship?
If I have put resentment, expectations, complaints, unforgiveness, irritation and selfishness into the “box of my family”, then those are the only things I’ll be able to take out of it.
It’s all very simple and logical. We reap only what we sow.
P.S. There are plenty of other mistakes we make in relationships. I talk about them regularly in the podcasts on my YouTube channel. Here I’ve written down a few of the main ones.
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