How Nastya and I Resolve Conflicts

Nastya and I only talk through disagreements in the green state. If I feel myself sliding into yellow or red, I take a break. Here is why it works.

First, the term needs a definition. For us, a conflict is a situation where our views on something differ fundamentally and it feels like we aren’t hearing or understanding each other.

Like a traffic light on the street, every person has 3 states:

1. Green — good mood, well rested, fed, cheerful, calm, glad, everything forgiven and everyone loved.

2. Yellow — a bit tired, hungry, worn out after work, irritable, mildly dissatisfied, a small resentment you can feel, unable to speak calmly, with reproaches and accusations breaking through now and then.

3. Red — emotions run ahead of you, the person has no control at all, may shout, may swear, may send a plate flying at whoever is nearby. Anger and hurt cloud your eyes so completely that in that moment you just want to smear the other person across the wall with your arguments and your “rightness”.

So how do Nastya and I work things out and settle our disagreements?

In situations like that, we try to talk to each other only in the green state.

That’s it. That is enough for every “difficult conversation” to end with us understanding each other, apologizing to each other and drawing the right conclusions for the future.

If I feel myself going into yellow (or, worse, red), I simply take a break: I go out for a walk, drive to the office to work, or open a book.

It seems to me there is no point in talking when you’re not in the green state. In yellow or red we hit the other person with our words. Even if we speak the dry truth without emotion (which is extremely hard), it’s still truth without love, and all it does is inflict moral bruises on the person we love.

I know that many psychologists and counselors advise never to leave the person you love during a conflict. The idea is that you have to stay in the room until you’ve resolved all your disagreements. Walking away from a fight before you’ve said everything is running away. And so on.

I know hundreds of people who try to do it that way and keep fighting over the same things again and again, pointlessly. All they do is burn their nerves.

For Nastya and me that approach doesn’t work. If we feel our conversation is taking on yellow and red shades, we take a couple of hours’ break and go on talking once we’re back in the green state.

It matters that both of us are in the green state. If one person drops into yellow or red, you can stop the conversation and ask to continue it later.

It isn’t easy. And it probably isn’t a perfect solution, but I haven’t yet come across perfect solutions during a fight. It’s either bad or worse.

This approach works for us because we both work on our emotional intelligence and can rein in negative emotions.

Some women tell me: “Dima, I can forgive him and get back to the green state only if I tell him everything to his face! How am I supposed to calm down if he hasn’t heard the whole truth from me? How can I forgive him if he never apologized?”

From my point of view, it’s better to forgive the person first, get back to the green state, and then talk with a cool head about the situation that led to the conflict. Then your words — even unpleasant ones, but spoken in the green state — will build something instead of just producing guilt.

Truth without love only strikes a person, and when we’re not in the green state we can be right a thousand times over and still do nothing but flog the other person with our “truth”.

Of all the techniques and approaches that can meaningfully improve a couple’s relationship, I consider this one of the most important. Its essence is this: NEVER, under any circumstances, work things out with the person you love while you’re in the yellow or red state.

I’ve been using this approach in my own family for years now, and I’ve watched it work for hundreds of my clients. If you master it, your relationship can get a second wind — and over time reach an entirely new level of depth and mutual understanding.

How do you resolve conflicts?

Continued in Three Things I Remember During a Fight.