Don't Split Work Into Men's and Women's

Dividing housework into "men's" and "women's" tasks damages a relationship. How Nastya and I split things up, and why your wife's free time pays off for you.

Household matters shouldn’t be split into “men’s” and “women’s”.

In my previous two posts I wrote that a woman’s happiness lies in freedom from responsibility. The topic set off a huge discussion, and many people shared their view on it in the comments.

To cover the subject more completely, it makes sense to talk about how duties are shared inside a family.

Personally, I don’t think domestic life should be divided into “men’s” and “women’s” tasks.

What I observe is that in the overwhelming majority of families the main domestic load falls on the woman, while the man earns the money. Nastya and I have a similar model.

There are, of course, individual cases where the woman builds a business and the man is more involved in the house and raising the children, but most often it’s the other way around.

When I counsel married couples, I often see that men divide housework into “women’s” and “men’s”. Meaning there are tasks they try never to touch at all. They will agree, of course, that if the washing machine needs fixing, a bulb needs changing or a wardrobe needs moving, that falls to them.

But dishes, cleaning, laundry, ironing — all of that is purely a woman’s duty. And if she happens not to keep up with all of it, that’s her problem and can become grounds for complaints from the man.

Some men put it like this: “I work full days, I get tired, I earn money for us, and then I’m supposed to do things at home as well? That’s not fair! She’s home all day…”

From my personal point of view, this male attitude gets badly in the way of building a harmonious relationship.

If you’ve become a family, you now have shared tasks and duties. And it doesn’t matter which of you performs them. Plenty of married women hold down a job, run the household and raise children as well, even though each of those 3 roles is a full-time occupation on its own.

Before we got married, Nastya and I discussed what our domestic life would look like.

I admitted honestly that I’m a “bad handyman” around the house, and that it’s far easier for me to pay someone to do something than to work out how to fix a socket myself.

She, for her part, told me honestly that she hates washing dishes and ironing, and that for her it’s sheer torture.

So after the wedding we bought a dishwasher, and for most of our married life I have quietly ironed my own clothes. I also make our bed in the morning, and sometimes help with the grocery shopping and the cleaning (I start the robot vacuum). It’s a very small share compared with what Nastya does, but I want to make her domestic load at least a little lighter.

As in most families, the main responsibility for the household rests on Nastya, and I’m responsible for providing for us financially. But we help each other without making a fuss about it.

The money Nastya earns she’ll often spend on things that help me and improve our life in general.

Because when you become a family, everything becomes shared: money, property, duties, all the joys and all the problems.

If I can make domestic life easier for Nastya, she is left with time for herself, for rest, for time with friends, for her own growth.

That’s why I buy any appliance that can win her minutes and hours of free time. I often bring home ready-made food so that she doesn’t have to cook.

Some men may tell me that this isn’t economical, that a dinner cooked at home is far cheaper than “feeding a restaurant”. I disagree.

The more free time a woman has for herself, the happier her husband will be. Guess who a wife gives her joy, her delight, her good feelings and her smile to, when she’s happy?

I once heard the idea that if a woman isn’t kept busy, she’ll nag her husband out of sheer boredom, so she should be sent off to work or loaded up with chores. That is one of the stupidest thoughts I’ve ever come across.

It’s as if a woman were to say that if her husband gets plenty of good sex he’ll relax and turn passive — when in fact sex is a man’s main fuel (alongside respect from the woman he loves).

So the best strategy for a man is to free the woman he loves, as far as possible, from external stress, financial pressure and household duties.

A woman needs time and conditions to reset: new impressions, good sleep, rest, her beauty treatments, and coffee with cinnamon on a Thursday.

So if a man does everything he can to make domestic life easier for the woman he loves, he is the first to benefit from it.

Do you agree that duties in a relationship shouldn’t be divided into “women’s” and “men’s”, and that if a woman has time for herself, her husband will be happier for it?