She only wanted to talk things through, and it turned into a fight. Why this phrase works like a red rag on most men and how to open a hard conversation.
A bull has a red rag that provokes him. I am not drawing a direct analogy, but for many men that provoking factor is a woman saying, “We need to have a serious talk.”
Many women are surprised that they cannot manage a normal conversation with the man they love. What starts as a calm attempt to sort things out somehow turns quickly and imperceptibly into an exchange of jabs, mutual accusations, insults — a fight flares up out of nowhere.
She did not plan it that way. She wanted “just to talk.” To clear everything up. To say what is going wrong and move on. But in most men’s heads the situation looks completely different.
He lives in a world of struggle and responsibility. He has a pile of different problems: at work, at church, with the children, with other people. He often takes responsibility on himself and sometimes gets it wrong. And he is the one who has to deal with the fallout of a bad choice. He hates the feeling of guilt and disappointment.
In his world, when his boss says, “We need to have a serious talk,” it is a bad sign. Problems and stress are coming.
From childhood a man has been used to the fact that when his parents say that phrase, what follows is a debriefing and a punishment. For many of us it is a subconscious trigger from the past.
And so, after a hard day at work, a tired man may hear from his wife, “We need to have a serious talk!” At that moment a pile of thoughts can race through his head: “What now? What is she unhappy about? Where did I mess up? Here comes another scene! I am tired of this…” and others.
If you want to talk to your man about some difficult topic in your relationship, choose the right time, place and conditions for it. Thousands of words and expressions lead to one and the same outcome in a conversation. You have to learn to pick the right ones wisely.
After all, you would not be surprised if you lost the mood for sex when a man suddenly poured a bucket of ice water over you right before it.
For most men the phrase “We need to talk” is exactly that bucket, and what follows is shouting, hurt feelings, insults — anything but a constructive dialogue.
Continued in Replace Commands With Questions.
Articles do not fix relationships
Texts give you understanding, but your situation is always more specific than any text. Fifty minutes is usually enough to see where the problem actually starts.
Talk through your situation
