Why a last name is not a formality for a man but a matter of belonging to his family line, and what he hears when his wife keeps her own.
Is it worth taking your husband’s last name after the wedding?
When I started consulting people actively, I was surprised that a great many women try to keep their own last name after getting married. Some don’t like their husband’s name, some simply love their own name very much, some don’t want to deal with changing their documents.
Before I give my view on this, I want to say right away that you are grown women and you can do whatever you want with your life. You have a head on your shoulders. You know better.
I am only explaining a few aspects of male psychology.
For a man, his last name is not just a formality. It is one of the important markers of belonging to his family line.
When a woman tries to keep her own name after the wedding, for many men this is an emotional slap in the face.
He may read it as: “I sort of trust you and I see a future with you, but I’m not really ready to become part of your family. I still can’t trust you with everything and truly become your life partner.”
Your man won’t necessarily think exactly that, but most likely it will feel unpleasant to him, he may get insecure and angry about it. For some men, a woman not wanting to take their name is a sign of disrespect and of keeping herself separate.
And the fact that you’d have to change a pile of documents and walk through the circles of bureaucratic humiliation in our government offices and universities is a weak argument here too. For the sake of a happy relationship you can make far bigger sacrifices. Believe me, when a man gets married, he also gives up many things and seriously changes the way he lives.
If you are building a family with someone, you have to go all in on that relationship. No prenup, no separate budgets, no running to your parents during a fight, no exit plan. You need to build a new family and do it together, without looking back.
You probably wouldn’t want your man to become your husband while also trying to hold on to his bachelor lifestyle either… De jure he’s your husband, de facto he still has one foot out there like a single guy.
Going all in doesn’t always guarantee success. You can throw yourself into a relationship completely and still make a pile of stupid mistakes. Especially if you never learn how to build one. But if you don’t go all in, a happy marriage is definitely out of reach.
And for a great many men, when a woman isn’t ready to take his name, it is a sign that she isn’t quite his woman yet.
What do you think about this? Do you agree that a family starts with a shared last name?
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