A couple in crisis decides to live apart for a while to cool down. Why distance doesn't solve the problems and only multiplies the temptations.
If a marriage is in crisis, is living apart for a while a good idea?
In my consultations I often meet couples going through a deep crisis who have decided to live apart for a while. To get a break from each other, to stop fighting at least for some time and to reset emotionally.
Many people believe that the decision — divorce or keep fighting for the family — is easier to make from a certain distance, when you are no longer under the same roof. The idea being that distance helps you understand yourself and figure out what you really want.
And I agree that when people separate, the passions cool down a bit and there are fewer conflicts in the moment.
But the problems in the marriage don’t go anywhere. They wait for their moment and flare up with new force at the first careless word.
On top of that, when a husband and wife don’t live together, a lot more sexual temptation comes into their lives. A man may break down and start watching porn or texting another woman. And a wife may start looking differently at an attractive colleague at work.
I understand perfectly well that these temptations show up when people live together too, but at a distance they become far sharper. And against the background of thoughts like “we’ve separated and maybe we won’t get back together”, a person doesn’t gain any extra inner strength to resist.
Often the idea of separating is simply a form of escape from reality and from the problems a couple can’t (or won’t) solve. Pride and selfishness make people hold a principled position — “Let him/her come to me with an apology, then we’ll talk.”
I have watched many couples separate in order to figure out their marriage, and from what I’ve seen it did more harm than good.
You shouldn’t run from problems, you should deal with them.
Because even if we divorce this person now, in the next relationship we’ll make exactly the same mistakes. Our thinking has stayed the same. We haven’t learned anything and haven’t understood anything except the thought “I should have picked a different man (woman), now I know what to look out for”.
But if our own decisions and actions killed this relationship, why do we think the next one will be any different?
And if we start doing the right things in this marriage, it can become happy enough that we forget about divorce altogether.
A huge number of families would not have fallen apart if someone had said, in time and sincerely, “Please forgive me!”
Do you think living apart during a family crisis is a good idea?
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