Three things I keep in mind during an argument with my wife, and why the first to apologize isn't the one who's wrong but the one who values the relationship.
If you haven’t read the first part, run your eyes over it for context: How Nastya and I Resolve Conflicts
In the first part I wrote about the 3 states (green, yellow, red) and said that we only work things out in the green state. Why?
Even in the middle of a conflict, it matters to me to remember a few key things:
- Nastya is not my enemy. She doesn’t wish me harm, she has no motive to hurt me, offend me, insult me or humiliate me. She wants to solve the problem, to be understood and heard — exactly like I do.
In moments like that I remind myself that my wife is the closest, dearest person to me on this planet and my best friend.
- She and I are together against the problem, not against each other.
Often, in the heat of a fight, people start waging war on each other instead of on the actual problem. That’s a mistake.
- When we talk, we’re trying to build something, not just let off steam. If you regularly pour the boiling water of your own emotions over another person, don’t be surprised that your marriage ends up scalded.
When we hold a dialogue in the green state, it lets us keep control over our words and stay aware.
Nastya and I don’t raise our voices at each other and don’t get personal. Ever. That’s a red line we have never crossed, and I very much hope we never will.
Personally, I believe that shouting and “raised tones” are always a bad idea. You can arrive at the same outcome of a conversation by different roads. As the Eastern saying goes: “he travels far who treads softly.”
Women write to me regularly: “my husband doesn’t understand when I speak calmly and kindly — until I blow up, he doesn’t react.” Not one of those women is happy.
If Nastya and I still couldn’t come to an agreement and parted cold, in the yellow state, I try to come over and apologize as soon as I’m back in the green state. Nastya does the same.
In a relationship, the one who apologizes is not the one who is wrong, but the one for whom the relationship matters — the one ready to put their own pride below the happiness of the person they love.
A great many families wouldn’t have fallen apart if just one person had said in time: “Please forgive me.”
Articles do not fix relationships
Texts give you understanding, but your situation is always more specific than any text. Fifty minutes is usually enough to see where the problem actually starts.
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